Emptiness

I speak for myself, but I suspect there is many a sojourner who has an internal empty feeling. I am consciously aware of and connected to this vacuum inside myself now. For the majority of my life I did not recognize what a driving force this void created; for that matter, I was ignorant of psychological reasoning for anything. There was nothing wrong with me. I was an excellent employee, working hard to climb my way up the success ladder, at times working 55-60 hours per week. I was a meticulous housekeeper, managing literally everything in our home. I lived my life like an F5 tornado, completely oblivious about what was really happening. Slowly, random warning signs begin suggesting danger ahead, but I do not know how to read the signs. It is kind of like when warning signs are posted on the beaches signaling high surfs, riptides, and undertows, when swimmers should make the choice to exercise extreme caution. I ignore the signs; I do not even know to acknowledge the signs. I am a blind swimmer who does not know signs exist. I keep driving myself further out into deeper churning waters. Eventually, the high surf begins washing over me, the riptides gain control, the undertows pull me below the surface, and I realize I am drowning. Yet, I continue to fight ferociously and the struggle to remain afloat intensifies. My human spirit is desperate to survive, to cling to the only life I know.  As I grow weary from the battle, I am fraught with anxiety, depression, over-eating, physical illnesses, and a host of other despairing weights that sink me further into the depths of that suffocating, tumultuous water.

When I come to the end of myself and concede, when God wins the fierce, raging battle and forces me to slow down, He is then able to step into all the breached levees. He is working to rebuild the fractured, broken me. With continued significant help, I begin identifying the emptiness that I am relentlessly trying to outrun, the emptiness that represents an abysmal hollowness and famine within, the internal pit that holds all my monsters!

Now, there are voluminous more details left to share, but here’s the thing – maybe there are warning signs you are ignoring; maybe you are in high surf and need to get out of the water; maybe you are already in the riptide being pulled out to sea; maybe the undertow has you in its grasp and you are drowning – please, please reach out for help! Disrupt the drowning!

Love you, mean it!

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