Nine Months, One Lifetime, Part 3

I arrive home from my first therapy appointment. I share with my husband my experience. He asks me what I thought about the therapist. I said, “She’s OK” and show him the recommended book, Codependent No More. We chat a bit about me not knowing what to do at check out. He assures me everything is fine. I kind of am able to put it aside, but truthfully, I tuck it all away inside.

I am a bookworm. I love books! I own hundreds of books. I have a list of want to ‘own or read’ that surely rivals the Library of Congress catalogs. I welcome reading Codependent No More, especially learning that the answers to my current life flailing’s were within these pages. That is right, all the answers to correct whatever is wrong. That very night, I embark upon the ‘Introduction.’ Here are a few enticing sentences I highlighted:

            I saw people who constantly gave to others, but didn’t know how to receive. I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything.  

            Yet, these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn’t see themselves. They didn’t know what they were feeling. They weren’t sure what they thought. And they didn’t know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems…

            Sadly, aside from myself, nobody knew how badly I felt. My problems were my secret.

            I was so responsible, so dependable. Sometimes I wasn’t sure I had a problem. I knew I felt miserable, but I didn’t understand why my life wasn’t working.

            I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.

            And, the pain that comes from loving someone who’s in trouble can be profound.

            It’s difficult to convince codependents – those who by comparison look, but don’t feel, normal – that they have problems.

These few insights lured me into a place of hopeful thinking. All I needed was to complete this book, attend and talk in a few therapy appointments, and I could wrap this investment of time and money up in about (my thinking – 20 chapters, read one a week and do the exercises, see the therapist every other week) 20 weeks, about five months! I can do this; this is nothing! I like to read; I like to write; and I like learning. I will know what is wrong; what to do to fix it; and permission granted to speed along my fair maiden! And, they lived happily ever after! The end! WHAT A FANTASY! I had no inkling about what lie ahead!! Ignorance is NOT always bliss!

I buzzed through chapters one and two like they were children’s books, picking up ideas, words and phrases like fatigue; some things were becoming an effort; my family and friends think I am a tower of strength; always in control, always ready to help; fear; believing lies; sick of shouldering the burden and feeling responsible for the success or failure in relationships; guilt; I’m falling apart very quietly; have I been depressed for years?; I should be able to snap out of this; long ago I had shut off my need to give and receive love, I had frozen that part of me that felt and cared, I had to  survive; I am trapped and cannot find my way out; something dreadful that I couldn’t explain had happened to me and has now snuck upon me; “adult child”?

The only chapter assignments thus far were to purchase a large notebook and record my responses to assignments, the above being the first, identifying these things (and people, which I did in my large notebook!) All done in two days! Hmmm…this might move a bit faster than I first calculated. But…all this is something to be considered. Little did I know that this was like peering at the Hubble Deep Field, ten billion light years away!

You can be assured that I did not stop at chapter two. In fact, I sailed through half the book and exercises up to chapter eleven by the time of my next appointment. I learned a couple definitions of codependency. One particularly stood out, referred to by Robert Subby in his book, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue seemed most to have a ring of truth for me:

      “An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”

You see, silence and secrets fell on me like snow on the mountain peaks. I never spoke to anyone at any time about my childhood; about feeling alone in this life having to figure it all out for myself; about learning to survive on my own; about my husband’s problems and the struggles in our marriage; about an entire host of things inside of me that I did not, could not, and should not discuss, and furthermore did not weigh in as conscious topics to be discussed. For the first half of the book I sponged in information, identified concepts, learned characteristics, learned about detachment, undependence, removing the victim, the concept of setting myself free, and living my own life. I cognitively had an influx of information. Now I am one to extract knowledge, think on it, dwell on it, break it down, shred it apart, ponder on the pieces, mince it to fragments, toss it into the fire for purification (scripture reading and prayer,) and construct my truth. This I had done and I was all set for appointment number two!

This time, I did not feel like I was driving to my funeral; I was filled with a little more confidence; I knew where I was going; I was prepared with my homework in hand; and I moved with familiarity. I arrive at the facility around 5:30 pm for my 6 o’clock appointment. I assumed I was to check in with the back receptionist as I did on the first visit, as the sign indicated. When I got to the back receptionist, there was no receptionist; in fact, there was no receptionist at either the front or the back desks. I thought maybe because the appointment was after normal business hours that I should wait in the back waiting room, where I sat at the first appointment. I sat there thirty minutes; no one came, not one person. There was not another patient, another therapist, another body anywhere; there was silence. At 6:30 pm, I thought perhaps I was wrong on the appointment day and/or time. Maybe I already missed the appointment, maybe I wrote down the wrong day, maybe I’m not supposed to be here, maybe I went to the wrong place and don’t even recognize it, am I in the right place, and onward my inner confusion mounted. I decided I would leave and be done with this entire unsettling mistake. I stood up quietly and quickly began to make my way to the exit. I get a couple steps past the front receptionist desk and here, “Deeon?” I turn around and there stood my therapist in her stilettos and fine clothing. She asks, “Where have you been?” I said I was in the waiting room where I was last week, there was no receptionist to check in with, and so I waited back there. Now, I am quite keen on discerning people; she was miffed! She looked at the clock, and said, “Well, we have a half hour, so let’s go to my office.” I felt like a child being whisked away to the naughty room. I sincerely felt terrible about the confusion. When we sat down in her office, she asked why I had not gone up to the receptionist area again to check in. I again stated there was no one there. She boldly told me that I was responsible for checking in, otherwise no one would know that I was there. Between her edge and my guilt, internally I took full responsibility for the mishap, blamed myself, and completely lost my voice to speak. I have no idea what she said for the remaining twenty minutes, not a clue. Departing, I took a deep breath and said, “What would you like me to do with this homework?”   She said, “I’ll take it” and she did. And then she further stated in a nonchalant manner, “There is no one to check you out or set up another appointment. You will need to call in tomorrow to schedule your next appointment.”

I was never so glad to step out into the dark night and cold air. On the drive home, I wondered if I was losing my mind. What are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself? Maybe I should not be doing this. I do not think she likes me. Why doesn’t she like me? Why didn’t she check for me in the waiting room? I do not think I should call tomorrow for another appointment. I think I should stop now. Maybe this is how therapy goes. Maybe you are the one responsible. Maybe they do not tell you how to do things to see how you will do things. Maybe you are being over-sensitive. Perhaps your misery is actually just your own melancholy, your personality type. Maybe some pastors are right – maybe my issues are really a deeper spiritual challenge. But, I read my Bible every day on morning break, I pray every day throughout the day, I go to church, I try to live a responsible life of integrity, and I certainly sacrificially help others. What is wrong with me? You know that self-talk? I had so much chatter going on in my head; I thought a large family of hungry squirrels had taken us residency.

By the time I arrived home, I was convinced this was not what I should be doing and shouldered the responsibility for this failure. Now, my husband is an easy-going type of guy. Through the years, I have learned that he will take the opposing side, but had not wisened up to that yet. I shared with him the situation and he convinced me that everything would be fine, I needed to call the next day to establish my next appointment, it was just a coincidental mistake, and she likes me otherwise she would not have told me to call for another appointment. In his own ignorance, he neutralized and counterbalanced my thoughts, he too not knowing what lurked ahead. I called the facility the next day. My next appointment was scheduled out for two and one half weeks later. Truthfully, that did not set well with me either, but I thought it must be normal. Despite my internal uneasiness, I did not know what was abnormal.

To be continued…

Love you, mean it!

"Burn the Ships!"

The group ‘For King and Country” released their third studio album in October 2018, which included a song entitled “Burn the Ships.”  In an interview, they shared that one of their wives became addicted to a prescription drug and had to be admitted into a psychiatric treatment center for substance abuse. She had to leave the past, surrender the addiction, and commit to abstinence.

Lyrics to “Burn the Ships”

How did we get here?
All castaway on a lonely shore
I can see in your eyes, dear
It’s hard to take for a moment more
We’ve got to

Burn the ships, cut the ties
Send a flare into the night
Say a prayer, turn the tide
Dry your tears and wave goodbye

Step into a new day
We can rise up from the dust and walk away
We can dance upon our heartache, yeah
So light a match, leave the past, burn the ships
And don’t you look back

Don’t let it arrest you
This fear is fear of fallin’ again
And if you need a refuge
I will be right here until the end
Oh, it’s time to

Burn the ships, cut the ties
Send a flare into the night
Say a prayer, turn the tide
Dry your tears and wave goodbye

Step into a new day
We can rise up from the dust and walk away
We can dance upon our heartache, yeah…

The term “Burn the Ships” originated in the early 1500’s when an explorer arrived in the New World with six hundred men after a long, dangerous voyage. The explorer was ready to leave safety and head into a new place. He told his men, “We are going to conquer this new territory!” All the men were terrified and the commander realized that the cramped, damp, unsanitary, rat infested conditions of the ships were where they wanted to remain because it was familiar. The next day he called them out and when all the sailors were on land, he gave the command, “Burn the ships! We are not going to retreat!” In that instant, he totally committed himself and crew. He sent a clear message to his men: “There is no turning back!”

What an awesome metaphor!! What “ships” do we need to burn? What are the things that we need to surrender?  What obstacles litter our paths that hinder us? What are the sins that strangle our lives, need to be crucified, and left behind? What weighs us down and pulls us under water? What griefs consume us? What idols do we cling to, trap us, and ensnare us? What are our immoral behaviors and habits? What are our chains of bondage mentally? What do we need to abstain from and leave behind?

Abortion

Abuse of Animals

Adultery

Anorexia

Anxiety

Any Involvement with the Occult (i.e. Witchcraft, Sorceries, Casting Spells, Demonology, Satanism, Black Magic, Voo Doo & White Magic, Divinations, Tarot Cards, Ouija Boards, Séances, Fortune Tellers, Etc.)

Arrogancy

Bestiality

Being a Negative Influence on Others

Believing That God Will Refuse to Forgive You or Could Not Love You

Bitterness

Boasting

Breaking Promises Deliberately

Covetousness

Deceit

Deliberately Choosing Evil

Depression

Despair

Destruction of Other Persons’ Property

Dishonesty

Disobedience

Drug Abuse including Prescription, Over-the-Counter, and Street Drugs

Drunkenness including any Drinking under the Age of 21

Embezzlement

Envy

Evil Thoughts

Excessive Gambling

Extortion

Fear

Filthiness

Foolishness

Gang Activity

Gluttony

Gossip

Greediness

Grumbling

Hatred

Homosexuality

Idleness

Idolatry (taken from the book by Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods)

  • Anything in this world that becomes a God alternative; a counterfeit God
  • Whatever captures the human heart or takes priority over God
  • Things turned into supreme things
  • Anything we build our happiness and security on
  • Anything more important than God
  • Anything that absorbs our hearts and imaginations
  • Anything we seek more than God to give us what only God can give
  • Anything so central and essential to our lives, that should we lose it, our lives would feel hardly worth living
  • Anything that has a controlling position in our hearts that without a thought we spend most of our passion, energy, emotional, and financial resources
  • Whatever we worship or serve as a deity (whatever we love, trust, and obey, we serve)
  • Anything that becomes more fundamental than God
  • Anything more important and non-negotiable that becomes enslaving  
  • Strongholds – causes or beliefs that we strongly defend and uphold

Impatience

Impure Language

Impure Thoughts

Incest

Indifference to Good or Evil

Ingratitude

Intentional Violation of Rules

Irreverence toward God or Toward His Holy Name

Jealousy

Laziness

Littering

Lude Jesting

Lust

Lying

Malice

Materialism

Mocking

Murder

Narcissism

No Absolutes or Conscience of Sin

Not Practicing Spiritual Disciplines (Meditation, Prayer, Fasting, Fellowship, Stewardship, Submission/Obedience, Study, Evangelism, Confession, Solitude, Gratitude, Self-Examination, Silence)

People We Need to Separate Ourselves From

Perjury

Physical, Emotional, Sexual Abuse

Premarital Sex

Pride

Rage

Rape

Reckless Driving

Resentment

Ridiculing Others

Rioting

Rudeness

Selfishness

Self-Superiority and Importance

Sexual Immorality

Slander

Stealing

Stirring up Trouble

Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

Theft

Unbelief

Unforgiving

Unmerciful

Unthankful

Using Others for Your Own Personal Gain

Watching or Looking at Pornographic Materials

Worshipping False Gods

I am not pointing the finger at anyone. I had absolutely no one in mind as I compiled this list, except for the glaring, flashing red warning lights of my own. You see, we ALL have ships we need to burn; we ALL have sin! The Bible says, “for ALL have sinned and fall short,” – we are ALL guilty before God! We ALL struggle with sin every single day. However, I am solid in this belief – “Apart from Christ, I can do NOTHING!” – I cannot overcome anything; I cannot have victory over sin without Christ. Oh yes, absolutely I can burn some ships, but how often have I found myself constructing another ship, sinner that I am!

Paul says in Romans, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”  Romans 7:18-25

James states, “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully-grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived…” James 1:14-16

And Peter says, “many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed…and in their greed they will exploit you with false words. For if God did not spare angels (Satan and his followers) when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment; if He did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven others (Noah’s family), when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly;  if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to ashes He condemned them to extinction (death), making them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly; and if He rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked (for as that righteous man lived among them (the wicked) day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard); then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority… For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.  II Peter 2

This all sounds so fatalistic! Satan loves nothing more than to attack us with discouragement and defeat. Where is our hope? Here is our eternal hope, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him (Jesus) should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16 Christ is our hope for overcoming our sin, not a New Year’s resolution. Satan never has the final word. In Christ lies victory! I believe our sins are in need of continuous atonement. Christ is our once for all atonement for all sin, but I need to continually apply His blood over all my sin. No matter how many mistakes I make, no matter how many setbacks I experience, I can always start again. In humility, confessing my sin and asking forgiveness, He always offers atonement for me; he always welcomes me home.

It does not have to be a New Year, a New Month, a New Day, a New Moon, or a New Dawn to try again. It does not matter how many times you have tried in the past. Through Christ, you get a second, third, and fourth onward chance to try repeatedly for however long it takes. We get innumerable chances to try again – yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, or by the minute. Our goal is continuous progress in the right direction for however long it takes. Change is a process; repentance is an action of sincere remorse; and Christ’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness offer renewed hope each and every time. Never give up! Never stop trying! You get to start fresh each and every morning!!

  • “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”  Lamentations 3:22-23
  • “Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7
  • “…greater is He who is in you than he (Satan) who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4
  • “… we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
  • “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.” 1 Peter 5:8-9
  • “No weapon that is formed against you will prosper… Isaiah 54:17
  • “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 6:11-17
  • “In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
  • “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:57
  • “Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord of hosts.” Zechariah 4:6
  • “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3
  • “Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.” Luke 10:19
  • “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
  • “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
  • “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
  • “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
  • “Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
  • “Fight the good fight of the faith…” 1 Timothy 6:12
  • “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
  • “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?” Romans 8:31
  • “Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
  • “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Surely, he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart…” Psalm 91:1-4
  • “This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

Let’s ‘send up a flare into the night, say a prayer, light a match, leave the past, and burn some ships!!’

Love you, mean it!!

Maybe Life is a Little Bit More

For some reason, I have lost my blogging mojo! I have not lost my enthusiasm about the blog; I love writing and I love my blog. It is as if I have lost my energy and concentration. It is at these junctures, I need to push myself into deeper water. In deeper water, I can either give up and drown or dig into that well of reserves and swim with more determination.  So, here I am swimming with determination, but in what direction? I am floundering with what to whittle out, though in reality the pickings are truly abundant. Hey, there’s a word — “abundant.” Seems like a great word for the Christmas season. Now, I am not talking about prosperity, I am talking about abundance. Prosperity, on the other hand, has more to do with material possessions and affluence. Scratch prosperity, that is not what I want to talk about, though I think the two get mingled together into one ideology never considering the distinctions.  

Prosperity theology (sometimes referred to as the Prosperity Gospel or New Thought) peddles a controversial religious thinking filled with accusations of hypocrisy. This notion promotes the will of God as always being financial blessings and the alleviation of sickness and poverty. Faith, prayer, positive speech, and donations to religious causes will increase one’s material wealth. If humans have faith in God, He will deliver security and prosperity; after all, it is God’s will for His people to be blessed. One prominent proponent of these teachings is Joel Osteen. Osteen owns a $10.5 million, 17,000 square foot mansion with 6 bedrooms and bathrooms, 5 open wood fire places, 3 elevators, a guest house, an outdoor pool, and pool house in River Oaks, Texas (a ‘burb’ of Houston, Texas, paying over $260,000 in property taxes yearly.) *Picture below

Joel Osteen’s Mansion

His lifestyle includes fancy cars (for sure a Ferrari), private jets, yachts, tailored suits, a wife refined by lavish jewels, attired in top quality garments, etc. His estimated net worth is $50-60 million. A satirical joke by the Babylon Bee circulated during Hurricane Harvey saying, “Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of ‘Your Best Life Now.’ ” (it is worth a little chuckle!) Now, I am going to just leave this right here because I am not a proponent of this doctrine. However, I will toss out a couple questions to ponder:

  1. Who is the primary beneficiary of the prosperity gospel? The leader?
  2. Wouldn’t Jesus have been the wealthiest man on earth?
  3. How do you explain the persistence of suffering, sickness, and disaster among Christians?
  4. Where are treasures laid up under this religiosity? – “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth…”

I really want to try to keep this simple. Abundant living is not material blessings as I interpret scripture. I believe abundant living is quite the opposite. Abundant living is:

  • Faith and hope in Jesus; eternal life –
  • A true personal relationship with Jesus – “…the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God…”
  • Pray, Pray, Pray about everything – “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.”
  • Reading the Bible – learning and maturing in wisdom and knowledge of truth – ““Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!”
  • Trusting in God’s power and presence in your life – “”I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?”
  • Trusting that God is all knowing – ““I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning…”
  • Desiring God more than what the world offers like material possessions, status, achievement, recognition, popularity, approval, acceptance, attention, idolatry, fulfillment of the flesh
  • Practicing the fruits of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control
  • Confessing our sins regularly; asking forgiveness from God and others; apologizing; swallowing pride and humbling oneself to specifically say “I’m sorry for…”  – “The LORD is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in loving kindness.” The LORD, the LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth…”
  • Asking God for help and helping others – “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy.” “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”
  • Choosing gratitude, being thankful for EVERYTHING – “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances” (not some), “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you…”
  • Contentment in ALL circumstances – “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” “O, taste and see that the Lord is good…”
  • Choosing joy and peace amidst grief, difficult circumstances, and painful struggles (the list is not comprehensive, but here are many to contemplate choosing joy and peace amidst the pain) –

Death of a spouse
Divorce or Marital separation
Imprisonment
Death of a close family member
Personal injury or illness, major surgeries
Mental Illness
Abuse
Job termination or resignation
Retirement
Change in health of family member
Loss of Pregnancy or child
Sexual difficulties
Change in financial state
Death of a close friend
Change to different line of work
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
Bankruptcy
Disability
Change in responsibilities at work
Child leaving home
Trouble with in-laws or family members
Spouse starts or stops employment
Change in living conditions
Revision of personal habits
Change in residence, moving
Change in church
Change in sleeping habits
Change in eating habits
Christmas & Holidays & Anniversaries
Home invasion, theft of property or threat of
Loss of Trust, Betrayal, Loss of Approval, Loss of Safety  

  • Deep, abiding peace that passes all understanding that does not come from deep breathing and counting to ten
  • Choosing to live a changed new life as a new creation through the power of Christ
  • Surrendering our will and desires over to God – one example is addictions, which includes failing, recovering, adjusting, enduring, overcoming, over and over until we have victory
  • Resting in God’s sovereignty and timing – “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” “I the Lord do not change.”
  • Loving and giving to others – “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”  “…give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

You see, the abundant life is NOT an abundance of tangible “stuff” purchased at stores or online amassed in our homes or owning finer things keeping up appearances or keeping up with the Joneses, accumulating treasures here on earth. The abundant life is about the abundance of Jesus. I have often looked around our home and wondered what if I literally sold it all? A young man approached Jesus asking what good thing must he do to receive eternal life. Jesus replied, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Just think about that for a minute. What if we sold all our material prosperity and gave the money to the poor? What if?

Charlie Brown struggled with the meaning of Christmas and the trappings of consumerism until Linus tells him the true meaning of Christmas.

And, even the Grinch in all his grinchiness finally grasps:

“He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes, or bags!”

He puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before.

Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!”

The abundant life is about eternity with Jesus – “setting our minds on things above” and “storing up treasures in heaven.”  The abundant life is a state of being from within and living it outwardly toward others. The abundant life is a continual, un-ending season of giving; it is living out our faith through good deeds and blessing others. The abundant life is following Jesus.

Love you, mean it!

Frankincense: The King of Oils

Frankincense

Often, I have a goal of reading through the Bible in one year, and often I have found it to be quite enlightening, edifying, and enriching (and there is my three-point sermon…). The one-year path feels like a sprint to cross that finish line; it is a hard push and honestly at times, the pressure can scrape up a bit of irritation and annoyance. I feel like I miss out on the power of stopping to smell the roses and the reverence of taking in the scenery – the study, the meditation, and hearing that still small voice. So, this year I have been choosing random books. I meandered through the prophetic message of salvation in Isaiah, spent many months strolling through the rhythm of the Psalms, inhaled Job for about the fiftieth time, and this past week finished reading about my fleeting life in Ecclesiastes.   

Every time I do the one-year plan, I venture into Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers packed with rules, rules, and more rules. Several times reading through it, I thought to myself, “God, how could anyone ever remember all these instructions regarding rituals and legal and moral practices for holy living?” The next time I came upon my missionary endeavor, I literally stopped and prayed. I asked God to show me truth about His reasoning for all these manners of conduct. As I was scurrying through the text, I heard the Spirit speak to me in that still small voice, “Deeon, these rules were not meant to harm the Israelites, they were meant to protect them.” I really had to step back and soak in that revelation. That little rocky crag in my heart softened. It changed my perception. As I continued reading, Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers took on richer meaning. This was not about some punitive God trying to inflict punishment through laws, this code of conduct was about a holy, loving God living in their midst.  Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers, as is the entire Bible, is God’s message of His presence, His power, and His sovereignty offering reconciliation from sin and a passageway to forgiveness because He loves us beyond comprehension.

At any rate, I am intentionally choosing to read the book of Leviticus unhurried. I am trying to dig underneath and marinate on all the many ways in which God is protecting His people. Here is an example: near the beginning of Leviticus, the guidelines for the Grain Offering are rendered. Depending on the version of scripture (I lean toward the ESV or NKJV), the text states to put frankincense on the Grain Offering if it is fine flour. I am a “why?” kind of gal. These offerings are burnt on the altar. Have you ever smelled burnt bread – not so much a pleasing odor? Perhaps, the frankincense rendered that “pleasing aroma” to God, that aroma that represented the substitutionary atonement for sin, which is pleasing to God. Yet, I believe frankincense, the king of oils, had a multilateral purpose. What I mean is that the frankincense was a pleasing aroma to God, which I believe holds deeper meaning than I have studied, but it was not unilateral, only for Him. I believe God created and used frankincense as a medicinal protection for the Israelites.  

From an article entitled, Frankincense, The Holy Grail of Essential Oils:                                                

Here are a few other points of interest about Frankincense:

Frankincense, also known as Olibanum, comes from the resin of the Boswellia tree grown in Africa and the Middle East, particularly in Oman, Somalia, and Ethiopia, though the finest comes from Arabia. Careful incisions are made in the tree at key times of year, and the sap slowly pours out. Once the sap dries and hardens it is ready to be used. The first period of tapping occurs from January to March and the second from August to October. After tapping has continued for five or six years, the trees are rested (the irony that God created through the sixth day and then rested on the seventh.) Frankincense has a woody, spicy smell. Now, I have a little bottle of Frankincense oil and indeed the smell is woody and spicy. I think for some it would be a scent that gains acquired appreciation, though I have always liked the scent and whiff on my little vile occasionally.

“Traditionally, frankincense was used for hundreds of years in incense, primarily in ancient rituals because of its promise to bring tremendous healing properties. Priests, rabbis, and medicine men around the world—especially in the Middle East—appreciated the essential oil for its antiseptic, anti-inflammatory, and rejuvenating properties.

Early use of frankincense resin was reserved for religious services, where it was burned as incense with the intention of the scent floating up invisibly to heaven in order to attract God’s attention. Historically, burning the resin was also a tool to vanquish negative energies or hold evil spirits at bay. To this day, it is commonly used in churches and temples and believed to affect us at our deepest level, setting our spirit free. The ancient Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks all used frankincense in their religious rituals. Similarly, the Chinese have been known to use it for years.

Frankincense was so valuable during ancient times that it was literally worth its weight in gold. Some cultures even prized it more than gold, making it an integral part of the Silk Road trade. Overall, it has been high in demand, from early history all the way to today.”

History, modern medicine, research, and the advancement of technology have offered some thought-provoking theories about frankincense:

Sacredly, when used during meditation, frankincense can be purifying to the mind, create a connection to one’s soul, and offer spiritual protection.

The smoke from burning frankincense drives out mosquitoes, pests, and other flying insects, reducing incidence of malaria and other insect transmitting diseases.

Frankincense has anti-inflammatory effects that may help reduce symptoms of joint inflammation caused by osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.

Frankincense may help reduce symptoms of Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis by reducing inflammation in the gut.

Frankincense may help reduce the likelihood of bronchial and sinus infections and asthma attacks in susceptible people. It may also open breathing passageways and increase lung capacity, thus relieving symptoms, such as shortness of breath, wheezing, coughing, and as well reduces phlegm.

Frankincense has antibacterial properties. Clinical studies at major universities in Egypt and in the United States have shown that frankincense has fantastic immune-enhancing abilities. These studies reveal that frankincense can fight dangerous bacteria and viruses throughout the body by providing immunostimulants. When applied topically, these benefits will work to create a layer of protection against bacterial and viral infections. When used aromatically, the same benefits manifest internally while working to heal your body from the inside out.

Frankincense has antimicrobial and antiseptic benefits, working to destroy harmful germs and bacteria upon contact, whether on the body or on surfaces throughout the home.  It may help prevent bad breath, toothaches, cavities, and mouth sores.

As a beauty Serum, frankincense can revive, rejuvenate, and strengthen skin health, adding elasticity to the skin. It may reduce the appearance of wrinkles and scars, smooth the complexion, prevent acne, even out blemishes, heal minor wounds, help reverse damage caused by UV rays, fade stretch marks, and heal cracked skin.

Frankincense is supportive of cellular function. It can assist with healthy cell function by promoting cell and tissue regeneration. So far, test-tube studies suggest that frankincense may fight breast, ovarian, skin, and colon cancer cells. The small study indicates that it may also help reduce side effects of cancer and may help kill cancer cells and prevent tumors from spreading. It can suppress cancer cells viability.

Psychologically and emotionally, frankincense, through aromatherapy, reduces the heart rate promoting relaxation, balancing moods, reducing anxiety, and calming and lifting the spirit. 

And, there are a few additional opinions hanging out there for which studies have not been performed. Frankincense could possibly help to prevent diabetes by lowering blood sugar levels; may aid in preventing heart disease by reducing inflammation; could improve sleep quality; may well boost memory and cognitive function; and quite possibly balance female hormones — delaying menopause, and reducing menstrual cramping, nausea, headaches, and mood swings.   

An altar of incense burned inside the tabernacle. This incense was a specific recipe of spices mixed with “pure frankincense.” God gave the recipe and stipulated that only this incense, and no other, was permitted to be burned on the altar of incense, and this incense recipe must not be used anywhere or by anyone else or else they will be cut off from their people. Aaron was instructed to burn incense on the altar each morning and at twilight, every day, as a regular offering to the Lord. To release its scent, the frankincense was either burned or smoldered over hot coals.

The Altar of Incense

Frankincense complemented many offerings and sacrifices. Frankincense was extensively used in burial rituals as part of the embalming material as an offering to the departed, a means to cover the odor of the dead body, and I believe to create purification from the potential risks of chronic infectious diseases.

The market for frankincense was unlimited. It created commerce and trade, via merchant ships and camel caravans. In essence, it was a form of currency. Whereas other exotic spices and aromatics were luxury items, frankincense, though expensive was a household necessity, a basic staple. An article from the New York Times states:

 “In January of 1997, exploring the remote back country of Yemen, over hills and through valleys and ravines, a party of archeologists came upon ruins and monuments from the time when frankincense and myrrh were among the world’s most coveted commodities. In the 10th century B.C., the biblical Queen of Sheba is supposed to have ruled in golden splendor over this land on the southern rim of the Arabian Peninsula. For several hundred years before and after the birth of Christ, it was a major emporium of the ancient world. Spices and textiles arrived by ship from India, silk from China and gold and ostrich feathers from Ethiopia. These goods were then packed off by camel caravan to Egypt and Persia, to Palmyra in Syria and, often as not, on to Rome. Nothing in the shipments was more prized than the two locally grown gum-resin products, frankincense and myrrh. “

They say the encampment of the Israelites, though highly structured and orderly, was about the size of Houston, Texas, the ninth largest city in the US. Now think of Houston as an entire city of refugees. Some scholars estimate the total Exodus population, including men, women, and children to be around 2.5 million people. Houston’s current population is about 2.3 million. Now imagine Houston as a desolate, barren wilderness where these refugees are, with precision as directed by God, encamped in tents throughout the entire region. The potential for widespread disease is immensely problematic. Now I do not know if every household contained frankincense for personal use, but I do know every morning and evening frankincense was burned in the tabernacle, releasing smoke and fumes upward into the air. This was holy and reverent, symbolizing the prayers of the people rising up to God, which was a pleasing aroma to Him. But, secondarily, I believe the incense served to purify the air in the encampment consequentially benefiting the refugees with all the potential of frankincense described above. The Bible is not clear on these likelihoods, but that is what I believe, and I am sticking to it. I believe God knew the need beforehand. I believe God planned everything out beforehand. Frankincense is a mere fraction of all the ways God sought to protect His people. So you see, the Bible is not all about rules, it is about God’s protection, provisions, and ultimately His love. It is a clear reminder to me, He knows the way that I take, He works all things together for my good, and His love is everlasting and higher than the heavens. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit’s little whispers and teachings as I persist in reading scripture.

Love you, mean it!

In Celebration of Grandparents, Part One

About a year and half after the end of World War I, in the spring of 1921, on a Wednesday, a little baby girl was born in Centertown, Kentucky, a little protestant town northeast of Lexington. Life happened amidst coal mines; prohibition, bootleggers, and moonshiners; the rise of the mob, mafia, and gangsters – most notably Al Capone, John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, Bonnie and Clyde, Pretty Boy Floyd, Machine Gun Kelly, and Ma Barker; women gaining the right to vote; Time Magazine first publication; the first Winter Olympics in the Alps; Hoover being appointed to lead the FBI; the Great Mississippi River flood; Charles Lindbergh making his first non-stop transatlantic flight; the beginning work on Mount Rushmore; Amelia Earhart being the first woman to fly over the Atlantic; JC Penney opening their first store in Delaware; the great stock market crash and subsequent Great Depression; the Dust Bowl; the construction of the Empire State Building; Bird’s Eye inventing frozen foods; Nevada legalizing gambling; Babe Ruth; and the book release of Gone With the Wind. This is a macro world picture of life during that time. Life on a micro level reveals that her real mother passed away during the childbirth of her younger sister, her sister lived. My great grandfather remarried, having four more children, including a set of twin girls. I have a few shabby pictures of her family – one picture of her grandparents, one picture of her real parents, and one picture of her real father and stepmother. I also have a picture of the front of the home where these six children grew up. I am told they could look through the cracks of the wood floor planks and see the ground; I am told it could get quite cold in the winter. They kept the fires burning with timber from the land. They slept on featherbeds and under feather blankets, cleaned clothes on a washboard and hung them outside on the clothesline to dry, and harvested the garden and canned much food for winter. In my mind, I get a hint of the Walton’s on a much smaller scale – faith in God, attending the protestant church on Sundays, singing hymns, saved and baptized in the river, playing with siblings, deeply loved, together working hard as a family living this life they had been given. In her mid-teens, my grandmother and her real sister move to my hometown. With little time to breathe, she meets my grandfather. He recently moved there from Paynesville, Kentucky with marginal education and means, looking for work. I am told, his grandfather, which would be my great great grandfather was the richest man in Mead County, Kentucky owning countless acres of land. When he died, the land was split up into parcels and given as an inheritance to various family members, my grandfather included. My grandparents marry in 1939 when she is 18.  She came with southern hospitality and deep Baptist roots. She overflowed a gentle nurturing spirit; kept a neat, clean, tidy home; cooked meals morning, noon, and night; and enjoyed spending much time with her family, as all the siblings, hers and his, slowly relocated to where they lived.  In 1940, she gives birth to a daughter, my aunt, and in 1941, she gives birth to a son, my dad. They rent a very small, one bedroom house. My grandmother takes in laundry and ironing for the property owner.  I am told they were in good standing with the property owner. The property owner actually lived next door in a large two-story home. My grandfather faithfully pays rent on time, completes carpentry work on both houses, and grooms the lawns. He finds favor with the property owner. When the property owner passes away, they move into the big house as renters at first, and eventually they are offered to purchase the properties at a fair, reasonable price because of my grandparent’s faithfulness and hard work. When my grandfather acquires the properties, he becomes the property manager and in turn begins renting out the little house and the upstairs of the big house, which has a separate stairwell entry from the back. Oh how I remember these places! Now my grandfather is illiterate; he has never learned to read or write. I do not recall his oppression and struggles, but I am told he carried much fear and shame as he encountered obstacles – employment hurdles; quality of life concerns such as driving tests, his inability to read street signs, names on buildings, mail, medication instructions, follow written instructions, write his name or anything for that matter. He is dependent upon my grandmother, my aunt, or my father. I am told he was a good provider and conscientious about paying bills on time. He actually works at a local dairy farm when times are about manual labor –  feeding cows, milking cows, filling milk pails or aluminum milk cans, and loading them for transport on a horse-drawn wagon. When dairy production becomes regulated, labeling requirements catapulte my grandfather into a frenzy because he cannot read the labels. He brings the new labels to my father and like flashcards, they work on visual recognition of which labels meant what. My grandfather is able to remain at the dairy for a season, but his illiteracy becomes his demise. I imagine it grieved him terribly. I faintly recall a tutor being hired to teach him how to read, but he does not have the self-assurance or patience and quits. Subsequently, he becomes a self-employed carpenter. Between rental properties and the carpentry business, he actually does well. My grandmother supplements their income by taking in laundry and ironing, working at a local canning company, working for a US TV manufacturer, and eventually working ten years for a local internationally known candy company. At some point in her life, my grandmother acquires diabetes. I do not know if it is Type I, Type II, or gestational, but what I do know is that my grandfather administers daily insulin shots to her. However, the progression of the disease seizes her eyesight. This is about the time I am born. I will write further on my relationship with my grandparents, but I pause here because the real truth is that every single person has a family history and every single person has their own story within that history. I feel like I am on a precipice overlooking a lovely landscape that I have never seen. When we share our history; when we share our story; when we invite others to enter into our story; when we open up to vulnerability; when we expose the dark secrets to light; when we reach past our inhibitions, shame, anxieties, and fears; when we reach down deep and dig in the messy, complicated, and imperfect to touch the pain, sorrow, heartaches, losses, failures, mistakes, hopes, and dreams; when we are willing to authentically speak our truth; we begin to break down barriers and stigmas; we become connected by tiny threads, we become a community. I am on the margins of considering that here is where we learn the truth about the immeasurable, steadfast, unfailing, unconditional love of God. Love you, mean it! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ God’s Everlasting Love, Romans 8:31-39 “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?…Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

My Friend “PSB”

Today on my music playlist the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Susan Boyle randomly played. My friend PSB came to mind. PSB and I shared a love for Susan Boyle and Josh Groban. It is not as if we sat around listening to their music, but we were quick to share if a new CD released; we would play each other a certain song we loved. We laughed that we played one song that captured us over and over and over and over.  

I met PSB working in the HR department of a past employer. Sometimes I think God calls us to a place for just a little window of time because He wants us to meet someone; like that ancient Chinese proverb about the invisible red thread connecting those destine to meet. I only worked at this particular employer for a little over a year and a half. About a year in PSB was hired. She was having difficulty learning the job. I had not met PSB yet, but I sat back watching and listening for a couple weeks. I was irritated with their treatment of her – making fun of her, talking behind her back, and setting her up for failure – like big bullies in the work place! Now, I will fight the crusade for an underdog in certain circumstances and I certainly felt compelled in this injustice. One day in the break room, I saw her sitting at a table by herself crying. I felt her pain searing through me like the blade of a knife. I quietly walked over, introduced myself, and sat down. I explained to her that I knew there was a struggle and asked her if the supervisor would agree, if I could sit with her for the afternoon. She seemed thrilled. I made my way to the supervisor and requested that she allow me to sit with PSB and assess the situation. The supervisor thankfully agreed. Turns out her learning had nothing to do with her ability, but rather the inadequate, incompetent, careless failures of the trainers. What these morons could not understand is that training must be adapted to the learning style. We do not all have the same learning framework. In one month, I trained PSB. She became one of the best reps for the company and remained with them for about five years. God orchestrated that scenario to initiate a fourteen-year friendship that I treasured.

PSB and I also shared a love of designing and making jewelry. A couple years after I met PSB, she told me she was noticing the bracelets I was wearing. I told her I made them all. She was like, “What? Can you teach me how?” I taught her a few basics, but PSB was the type to dive to the farthest depths in her interests; she became completely immersed. She started taking classes at a little independent bead shop. I took a couple classes with her, but worked so much, that I did not have much time to invest. She ate, slept, and breathed jewelry design and began waking up in the middle of the night sketching out patterns from her mind. I was blown away at her all-consuming passion. In great haste, she far surpassed me. As work devoured my life, she decided that she would take the classes and to reinforce her skills, she would teach me the pattern when I could make time. It worked out great until I was too exhausted to comprehend a bead pattern. She then offered for me to buy the materials and in turn, she would make me pieces that she had learned. Fabulous! I still have several pieces and will cherish them forever!

One Saturday afternoon we were all three driving around to a few stores. PSB mentioned she saw on Dr. Oz something about ear candles. We were like, “What?” She insisted we drive around to the health stores and find ear candles. The approximate 10-inch candles, which are hollow fabric cones soaked in wax or paraffin cost about $2 each. Finally, at 8:30 pm we found the ear candles at a small GNC in a secluded strip mall area. We bought six.

We returned to our home. She was giddy with excitement. She decided Bryon would be the Guinee pig. We got a bowl of water to extinguish the flaming cone when done. We cut a hole in a paper plate and stuck the candle into the paper plate, which was to make a barrier between the ear and the flame to make sure candle wax and ash did not fall on his face. We had Bryon lie down on the bed on his side. We placed the candle in his ear canal and lit the other end of the cone on fire. The flame took off like a blaze of glory nearly catching Bryon and the bed on fire. We squealed, Bryon jumped up, we quickly tossed the flaming cone into the bowl of water, PSB and I were rolling with laughter while my husband said, “That’s it, I’m not doing this.” I did not think we would stop laughing. Finally, when everything settled, we actually burned ear candles in all of our ears. PSB wanted to see what was inside the cone after we were done. We set out cutting open those cones and looked in disgust at what appeared to be wax suctioned right out of the ear canal. Later we found out that the debris inside burned ear candles is supposed to be the impurities removed from your ear, but in reality, the debris shows up in the candles even if they have not been near an ear canal. We later learned that the contents were a blend of burned candle wax and fabric. We often reminisced and laughed over our experiment. She was always coming up with silly experiments for us to try. One time she arrived toting Bioré blackhead removing and pore cleansing strips. My husband refused to engage so we went into the bedroom and giggled ourselves silly playing with those strips. She continued to watch and share Dr. Oz and Dr Phil religiously. She told me she wished Dr Phil had been her father; she adored his strength of character and wisdom.

PSB would keep a small notebook beside her at all times. She kept lists of everything – to do, appointments, errands, scripts, and one list was everything she wanted to tell me or talk to me about next time we were together. I loved it! She called me “Sissy” and I her. Now PSB had her stuff and I had mounds of my own, but we never pushed and prodded for information. We enjoyed each other’s company and could chat for hours. PSB was not a Christian, but she knew I was a believer. Because my vehicle had a fish decal on the back, she called my car the “Jesusmobile” yet she was always ready to get in and take off on some adventure. I never pushed my beliefs onto her, but rather lived them out before her and I felt she respected my spirituality.

PSB was a girlie girl and I was not. One time she convinced me to get a pedicure and a manicure with her. I was so out of my element and nearly popped out of the chair when some Vietnamese woman began massaging my legs. Never did that again, but we laughed ourselves silly! Sometimes she would be putting on her make up when I or we arrived. When done, she would look at herself in the mirror, blow a kiss at herself, and say, “What a pretty girl!” Just comical! Sometimes she would act as if she was kissing her arms up and down, say, “Such a pretty girl”, and just giggle at herself. PSB had a dramatic flair. When telling me something, her antics were off the charts and made me laugh so hard. She had a confident strength that I lacked, which gave me a little more self-assurance when we were together. She refused to go to thrift stores. We would intentionally kid with her and say we are going thrifting today; she would get a high-pitched voice and say, “Bugs, Bugs!”

My husband, PSB, and I went to The Haunted Forest one Halloween. On the dark roads driving there, PSB kept saying, “My stomach is queasy. I think I’m gonna throw up.” My husband kept instigating the situation by pointing out how dark the country roads were. In pure fear, I like to never made it out of the forest alive. We laughed ourselves silly. Each fall we would take a color drive enjoying the crisp air and beautiful colors. One year we stopped at an orchard and took silly pictures with our heads in wooden holes – she was the scarecrow and I was the corn stalk. Late spring into summer, we would take a drive along the lakeshore. She would tell us happy memories about raising her daughter and taking her on picnics at the lake. She adored our two Maine Coon cats. She came over to visit shortly after having her knee replacement and our large male Maine Coon jumped up to get his dose of loving, but landed directly on her knee. She winced in pain, but loved on that gentle giant cat that we all adored.  PSB had some health issues that came on after her knee replacement and revision, which slowly began to diminish her life. Her visiting me/us slowly faded away, but myself or my husband and myself would regularly visit at her place. She liked a fountain Diet Coke, so anytime my husband and I went to visit, he would get her a large fountain Diet Coke. She loved it! Each and every time, her first drink of the Diet Coke, she would say, “Ahhhh, burns all the way down” with a smile on her face. Sometimes my husband and I say that to each other to this day. PSB did not care for men whatsoever at first, but slowly my husband was able to break that barrier and gain her trust. She nicknamed him “Sparky.” They shared a mutual banter. Anytime he would swat at a bug flying by, she would wave at him and say, “Hi Hi!” It was something between the two of them. One Friday evening she announced that she wanted to go out to eat somewhere so she could get pancakes. We all headed to Mr. Burger. Unbeknownst to us, PSB brought sugar free syrup in her purse. When we got to the table, my husband asked her if she wanted him to get her some syrup. She loudly proclaimed, “Are you trying to kill me? I’m a diabetic!” In shock and humor, we died laughing!

Though we both never shared the depths of our ugly pasts, we quietly knew they existed. Little things would trickle out from each of us that we discussed in small ways, but I knew she carried a heartache that engulfed her and suffocated her at times. And, on four occasions, our ugly parts collided, fracturing the friendship into shards for lengthy seasons of silence – the first time an entire year passed, the second and third times a few months passed, but the fourth time two years passed. These seasons were very sad and difficult for me. Somehow, we always found our way back and forged onward without a word of what happened as if sweeping it under the carpet kept it hidden with the rest of our secrets.

As her mental and physical health issues continued to limit her, she lost her driver’s license, she lost her stamina to walk, she slept two thirds of the day, and I began an unexpected role of faithful caregiver — cleaning, doing dishes, picking up groceries, driving her to do errands when she could manage it, and taking her to doctor appointments. One day when I was visiting, she said, “Deeon, would you speak to me about spiritual matters.” In that moment, I knew that through the years God had been softening her heart so that she could hear His calling. For years, I steadily lived out and offered her the love of Christ whenever and wherever possible. I would tell her about sermons we heard at church and she would listen attentively. She knew a few old hymns she remembered from going to a little neighborhood church when she was child. We would sing those select few hymns together; she held harmony like an angel. I shared Jesus with her that night.

One Saturday evening she called me and asked if we could come over. She said she was not able to breathe very well and just did not feel good. We rushed over. She was unable to walk from the living to the kitchen. I convinced her to let us take her to the ER. She begged me not to leave her there alone. I promised. After numerous tests, imaging, and blood work, they sent her home suggesting she had a respiratory infection. We picked up her scripts, got her settled at home, and crawled into our bed at five am. I checked on her regularly. The following Wednesday she called and asked if I would take her to a specialist appointment stating the hospital had called to tell her that her CT scan imaging showed shadows on her liver. I tried to encourage her in my ignorance. I told her that whatever this was, we were going through it together. A deep, dark fog of sadness fell over us when the doctor announced that she had stage IV liver cancer and had one to two months to live. A piercing silence echoed so loud, we lost our senses, like a demon screeching in the face of salvation. For me, it became all business and helping her manage her affairs. That diagnosis and prognosis rejuvenated an inner strength in her that I had not seen in a couple years. Together, we got her life in order, visited the mortician, she signed over her finances to me, and told me what she wanted done with each and everything she owned.

Two Saturdays later, I tried to call her around 10 am, no answer. I thought she was sleeping. I tried to call her around 12 pm, no answer. I thought she was still sleeping. I tried to call her around 5 pm, no answer. I left a message each time, but did not hear back. Around 7 pm, my husband and I decided we had better go over and check on her. She had a security entrance; we like to never got into the place. Finally, we got to her apartment, knocked, she answered, and I felt such relief, as driving over I certainly was expecting the worse. But, immediately I knew something was not right. PSB had a blank affect. She asked what we were doing. We explained that we had been trying to get a hold of her all day. She sat down on the couch and said, “I’m fine.” I immediately knew we were in crisis. Her phone was blaring the off the hook signal and the phone itself was in pieces as if she had thrown it against the wall in frustration. I asked her for her doctor’s phone number and her daughter’s phone number. She kept thumbing through her address book over and over, but could not comprehend or remember what she was doing. I asked her if she wanted to go to the ER. She adamantly said, “No!” I asked her why. She insisted she was fine. Finally, I convinced her to allow me to call her Oncologist on my cell phone and if he suggested she should go to the ER, would she? She agreed. I called their emergency number; they told me to get her to the ER immediately. 

We got PSB to the ER around 10 pm. The doctor began asking her a series of questions. Who is the current president – she said Reagan; what year is it – she said 1923; what is your name – she gave her maiden name; how old are you – she looked at me as if begging for help and the doctor went on. I turned my head and a tear escaped before I could catch it. The doctor left the room and she quickly asked me the answers to the questions. She kept repeating them in her feeble attempt to retain the answers in case she was asked again. She then began to projectile vomit. My husband immediately left the room. She looked at me in desperation and said, “Please, don’t leave me. Can you help me clean up?” I immediately jumped into action, grabbed latex gloves, collected up all the soiled sheets and her gown, cleaning her up and putting on a fresh gown, laying her back down on the gurney, and finished cleaning up the room by the time the doctor returned. The doctor informed us that PSB had hepatic encephalopathy; she was being admitted for further treatment. She begged me over and over to take her home. Finally, I convinced her it was best that she stayed because they could help her more than I could. I promised her I would be back each and every day for however long. Each afternoon and evening, I made my way up to the hospital. Each afternoon and evening, she begged me to take her home. Each evening, we would hold hands and watch Jeopardy together, and then I would tell her it was time for me to go home. And, each evening as I left her there, I would turn, look at her, tell her I loved her, and she would wave good-bye and say, “Over the Rainbow.” I knew it would not be long.

She recovered just a smidge, enough to get some coherency, but rather than allow her to go home, they transported her to a nursing home. It was a horrible nursing home! With much effort and demand, they finally placed her in a quiet, private room because Hospice knew the end was near. In the quiet of her room, she told what a good friend I had been to her, she said like no friend she had ever had. And, I told her how much her friendship meant to me. She said, “At this age, we don’t find good friends like this very often.” Our talk was minimal, but each night we continued to hold hands, watch Jeopardy, say our nightly good-byes, and she would say, “Over the Rainbow.” The last night I went to visit, I suspected she was passing away. I kept watching her intently, and it seemed to me that she was between two worlds. She would slightly open her eyes and slightly smile in acknowledgement that I was there, but no words were spoken. She would drift back away; a pleasant smile and peace would come across her face as I sat there watching. She lifted her hand in search of mine; we held hands; she smiled and drifted back to that place of peace. Finally, she remained in that place that I know not of and we quietly left. This time I quietly said, “See you over the rainbow my friend.”

June 12, 2014 at 2 am, my friend PSB quietly passed away by herself; I knew it was something she would do alone. I received a phone call the next morning around 10 am letting me know she was gone. Tears failed me as usual, but I sat in silence believing in my soul that the night before I had witnessed a passing between two worlds, from this earth into the presence of Jesus. I knew in my soul she was seeing and experiencing a love and peace she had never, ever known this side of heaven. I yearn for that sweet reunion someday!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Philippians 2:1-5

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…” 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Love you, mean it!

Here’s to you my friend! I sure do miss you!

Love you, mean it!

Ignorance is NOT Bliss!

In a prior blog, I shared that I devote the mass majority of my life living like an F5 tornado day in and day out. My detection of the slow fade begins like a slow, minuscule, trickling leak. At impromptu intervals, I hit a disguised brick wall. My knees buckle; I stumble; and I fall to the ground. Shaking my head, I wonder what is happening. For me, it is similar to a boxing match — punched, falls down, get back up, over and over and over and over and over and over and on it goes. It will take me literally years, and I do mean years, to identify this inescapable pattern. I pass it off, return to my ‘normal’ self, and race forward. Eventually, colliding with that wall begins happening in rapid progressive intervals, with time in between decreasing and longevity of down time increasing. The battle is fierce and I am a tough competitor! In the down times, I am in unchartered territory. I do not know this slow life, nor do I like it whatsoever. The first significant wall collision occurs when one morning, I wake up and a steamroller has leveled me and backed up over me again. I cannot start my engine; the fuel tank is empty! I think I must have a bug of some sort. I call in sick, stumble my sorry self back to bed, and am certain I will be back in sync tomorrow. One day turns into an entire week. On day three, I call my doctor, get an appointment that day, and my mind continues to concoct that I have contracted one serious bug. The doctor asks me a series of questions and then proceeds to prescribe me an anti-depressant. An anti-depressant? Wait! What! I have never heard of such a med! I do not need an anti-depressant. How silly! I am not depressed! I am fine; it is just a bug, right? He suggests I take the medication for six months and writes me off work for the remainder of the week. I leave his office rather perplexed. I am fine; I just need to get back to work. It feels like punishment!

Because I am a rule follower, I begin taking the script as prescribed that day. At first, I feel pretty funky – queasy, headachy, shuffley, listless, just off. I think, “Wow! This bug has taken a turn for the worse.” I call the doctor’s office again to inquire if I should really be taking this medication because this bug I have has worsened and after all, I am not depressed, I am just a tenderhearted, melancholy person! The nurse assures me that my symptoms are normal. She tells me to continue taking the script as prescribed; she says in about three to four weeks that I should notice a difference. Well, OK, but truly I felt a little better before taking this foreign medication; it is just a little bug! I continue the prescribed course.

It is a peculiar experience. I am standing at a co-worker’s desk one afternoon enjoying friendly chatter when a subtle thought occurs to me – I feel like I have a layer of cellophane between me and the world; I feel like things are bouncing right off me with no internalization; I feel like I am unaffected by things that would normally unsettle me. Well, how awesome is this! I am feeling pretty good! Now my little magic pill is a bottled up corked secret like my entire life. I tell no one, except my husband, that I am taking this pill. In pure ignorance, this valuable miracle medical discovery has just given me permission to increase my speed to flash lightning. Hallelujah!! God is good!! The birds are singing! I am bursting with positive endorphins! After about four months, I am convinced I need no further medication intervention. I am back in flash lightning sync, managing a balanced life, and believe all is well. So, cold-turkey, I stop taking the Paxil, after all I am not depressed; we all have our sad, melancholy, sentimental days, right?

I am going to stop here, but do not be fooled! My warning signs of a great tsunami are countless; my warning flags are everywhere blatantly flapping in the breeze, even beyond hitting the wall, but I am clueless! Believe me, ignorance and denial are an elusive, crafty, liar my friend! Is it time to take inventory of your life, your behavior patterns, and your motives? Now my framework and yours will not look alike, but these concepts are universal. What I have shared thus far is a very tiny blip on my radar. I could not begin to detect the depth of the mud from the surface, but I sure wish I would have known to seek help sooner! Think about it!

Love you, mean it!

Yet I Will Praise

In the mornings, I often ask Google to play my Christian favorites song playlist while I tend to morning chores. Some mornings a song comes on that profoundly captures my heart. I sit down in quietness, close my eyes, sometimes just listen, and sometimes quietly sing along. I am consumed with tears. The song washes over me with a pure reflective sense of God’s presence throughout my life. The words focus my spirit on a deep gratitude and yearning for heaven where I will forever be in His eternal presence – safe, healed, and loved like I have never felt. I play the song over and over in pure meditation.

I wanted to share this morning’s song with you — Yet I Will Praise by Nicole Sponberg. Sit down, close your eyes, and just listen. Reflect and meditate….

I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can’t understand
All that You allow
I just can’t see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn
I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted
I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley
I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered
And it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You’ve been there
And I know that You’re here now

Love you, mean it!